are you still at the devil's house?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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