call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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