just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
