he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
