Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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