i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
