I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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