I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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