He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
id be glad to
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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