A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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