And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We just shotgunned beers for America
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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