yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
