Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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