Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize