My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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