i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
