I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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