Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
