I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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