apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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