We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
