when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
should my penis look like a turkey
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
