You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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