He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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