It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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