what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
