fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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