I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
