The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
