Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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