My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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