I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i out mim tonsoeep
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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