Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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