my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
