I'm pants shitting drunk right now
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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