So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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