Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
