there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
