the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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