Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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