I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
