so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
