I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
