I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Enjoy the penises
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
