No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i barfeds in our rink
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
