My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
