I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
