i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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