The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
