Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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