I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
