if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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