he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
