he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
