shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
