is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
