Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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